I’ve had to really consider writing this all down but right now it’s time. I just did a search for chronic illness and found so many of you on here who share the same pain as I do.

For months now I’ve been in a deep depression. I can’t figure out who I am, what I am here for or even where my relationship is going. Being someone who was outgoing, fun and spontaneous has become non-existent. I feel I have literally lost myself. I don’t go out anymore, I don’t do anything fun or for myself. I feel segregated and alone. I wake up and do the same goddamn thing every day of my life. Waking up feeling like I was in a car accident everyday, aching and pulsating in pain. I can’t walk like I used to, I can’t stand up for long periods of time like I used to, I have missed out on so many awesome and fun events. Now, my relationship which was the most important thing in my life is falling apart cause my fiance cannot seem to be able to grasp the fact that I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS. I DIDN’T WANT ANY OF THIS. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. But all he seems to see is laziness and my giving up on life. He feels alone, cause he goes places by himself a lot now, he feels like he doesn’t know if he can do this for the rest of his life. 

I get so angry at him because if the situation was flipped around, I would be there for him NO MATTER WHAT. I would be his support system, constantly figuring out what I could do next, how I could make things better for him while making him feel not alone and not like a circus freak. Im so so so so hurt right now feeling like its so easy for him to walk away from me after all we’ve been through. I used to think that he loved me so much that he would NEVER EVER leave. Christ, I thought I’d have to leave him if it came to it. NOW it seems easier than ever for him to cop out of this relationship. I know he’s hurt and confused that Im not the same Cait as I used to be but guess what? THIS HASN’T been a fun ride for me. I think he believes what society has given us as a guide to a “perfect relationship” is always having fun always being happy, having lots of sex and never fighting. TO ME a real relationship is going through the hardest times together. Being there through the ups and the downs. FOR BETTER OR WORSE. I know that things aren’t always like that but I want them to be. 

Im just so sad…..

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